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slimequestSo when you beat a boss in Final Fantasy XII everyone does their little victory pose, right?
My Vaan's been using those hand-bomb things lately. Partly because I can pretend they're maracas (which are very appropriate weapons for Vaan) and partly because he'll occasionally do something like 10 damage with them because it's randomized. This gives me (more of) an excuse to yell at him. Anyway...
What is his victory pose with them, you ask? To twirl the bomb around in his hand for a second and then throw the bomb as hard as his little girly arms can throw it into the distance, apparently not caring who or what the bomb ends up blowing up as a result.
I keep imagining there's a bus full of nuns driving by, and they're singing and being happy and then BOOM, body parts and bloody habits everywhere.
You just killed a bus full of nuns, Vaan. A bus full of... pregnant nuns. Yeah.
Now, Tales of the Wacky Abyss talk.
Let's go over who we're dealing with here.
Luke - What happens when you transplant the personality of a bratty RPG loli into the body of an RPG main character, but then cut his IQ by 80%? You get Luke! Luke is amazing. He has the incredible ability to make everyone in the world hate him, and he doesn't even have to try! Not only that, but he lacks any sort of common sense or book smarts whatsoever, just in case he might accidentally form any redeeming qualities.
Oh, did I forget to mention his huge hard-on for MASTER VAN? Master Van could kill puppies in front of him and Luke would be all "Yeah! Those puppies were evil! You rule, Master Van!" and then he would probably squeal a little in a fangirlish sort of way.
Add to this his habit of completely pussing out whenever he has to kill someone (oops, I guess you must have missed the fine print when you signed up to be an RPG hero who MUST KILL A LOT OF THINGS BECAUSE RANDOM BATTLES ARE HALF OF WHAT THE GAME IS ABOUT) and you have one fine specimen right there.
It's almost unfortunate that he's redeeming himself now that he got a haircut (a makeover can do wonders, you know!) but on the other hand, if he kept up his OMG MASTER VAN WAIT WHAT IS ABC123 routine through the whole game I would probably down several bleach cocktails and then fling myself over a bridge. Twice.
Tear - Okay, there is no fucking way Tear is 16 years old. No. While I might be biased because of all the hentai of Tear I saw before I played the game (listen, it's not like I went looking for the stuff, but it's pretty damn abundant so it's hard not to have) which makes her out to be this hot, shapely, almost MILF-like figure, but her maturity level and demeanor are so completely NOT 16 years old. She should be... 23, like Nel from Star Ocean 3 or various other video game females who are "older" but not old.
Anyway, Tear is cool. She gives Luke shit constantly (+9999999 points), and is hot (MELONS), and secretly adores cute things and fetish outfits so she wins in my book. I really do feel sorry for her because she has the worst babysitting job in the world, though.
Jade - Jade's hobbies include scaring his loli companions into believing he sucks blood for energy and necromancy. Oh, and giving Luke shit constantly (popular hobby with this group). As you might imagine, Jade is badass. Jade will kill your grandma, and then bring her back to life, and then kill her again. And then adjust his glasses afterward, because that's what us megane guys do.
Jade is one of my favorite characters, as you might be able to tell. Of course, after dealing with Luke for so long, any male character that is potty trained seems like a dream come true.
JADE: "Come on, the worst that could happen is we all die." YEAH YOU'D LIKE THAT HUH MISTER NECROMANCER.
Well, that's all for this installment of "Fails of the Abyss"! Tune in next time for more fun and adventure. And depression. Sweet, wonderful depression.
My Vaan's been using those hand-bomb things lately. Partly because I can pretend they're maracas (which are very appropriate weapons for Vaan) and partly because he'll occasionally do something like 10 damage with them because it's randomized. This gives me (more of) an excuse to yell at him. Anyway...
What is his victory pose with them, you ask? To twirl the bomb around in his hand for a second and then throw the bomb as hard as his little girly arms can throw it into the distance, apparently not caring who or what the bomb ends up blowing up as a result.
I keep imagining there's a bus full of nuns driving by, and they're singing and being happy and then BOOM, body parts and bloody habits everywhere.
You just killed a bus full of nuns, Vaan. A bus full of... pregnant nuns. Yeah.
Now, Tales of the Wacky Abyss talk.
Let's go over who we're dealing with here.
Luke - What happens when you transplant the personality of a bratty RPG loli into the body of an RPG main character, but then cut his IQ by 80%? You get Luke! Luke is amazing. He has the incredible ability to make everyone in the world hate him, and he doesn't even have to try! Not only that, but he lacks any sort of common sense or book smarts whatsoever, just in case he might accidentally form any redeeming qualities.
Oh, did I forget to mention his huge hard-on for MASTER VAN? Master Van could kill puppies in front of him and Luke would be all "Yeah! Those puppies were evil! You rule, Master Van!" and then he would probably squeal a little in a fangirlish sort of way.
Add to this his habit of completely pussing out whenever he has to kill someone (oops, I guess you must have missed the fine print when you signed up to be an RPG hero who MUST KILL A LOT OF THINGS BECAUSE RANDOM BATTLES ARE HALF OF WHAT THE GAME IS ABOUT) and you have one fine specimen right there.
It's almost unfortunate that he's redeeming himself now that he got a haircut (a makeover can do wonders, you know!) but on the other hand, if he kept up his OMG MASTER VAN WAIT WHAT IS ABC123 routine through the whole game I would probably down several bleach cocktails and then fling myself over a bridge. Twice.
Tear - Okay, there is no fucking way Tear is 16 years old. No. While I might be biased because of all the hentai of Tear I saw before I played the game (listen, it's not like I went looking for the stuff, but it's pretty damn abundant so it's hard not to have) which makes her out to be this hot, shapely, almost MILF-like figure, but her maturity level and demeanor are so completely NOT 16 years old. She should be... 23, like Nel from Star Ocean 3 or various other video game females who are "older" but not old.
Anyway, Tear is cool. She gives Luke shit constantly (+9999999 points), and is hot (MELONS), and secretly adores cute things and fetish outfits so she wins in my book. I really do feel sorry for her because she has the worst babysitting job in the world, though.
Jade - Jade's hobbies include scaring his loli companions into believing he sucks blood for energy and necromancy. Oh, and giving Luke shit constantly (popular hobby with this group). As you might imagine, Jade is badass. Jade will kill your grandma, and then bring her back to life, and then kill her again. And then adjust his glasses afterward, because that's what us megane guys do.
Jade is one of my favorite characters, as you might be able to tell. Of course, after dealing with Luke for so long, any male character that is potty trained seems like a dream come true.
JADE: "Come on, the worst that could happen is we all die." YEAH YOU'D LIKE THAT HUH MISTER NECROMANCER.
Well, that's all for this installment of "Fails of the Abyss"! Tune in next time for more fun and adventure. And depression. Sweet, wonderful depression.
